For those of us who have loved and lost, how many failed relationships can we stand searching for our true mate? If knowledge is truly gained from past failures why doesn't the old sayings "learn from your mistakes" or "practice makes perfect" prevail? How does one know if this time it will be the one you have searched for? These and more questions are guaranteed to keep you up into the late hours. What directs our decisions when searching for love? One of the worst enemies we deal with in our search is loneliness, a two headed sword!
On the positive side, loneliness is a motivator to induce the search for happiness. Loneliness creates a desire to be loved and love, an empty place in our heart and an ever increasing desire to have it filled. On the other hand, loneliness is a ruthless enemy lurking... pushing...rushing us to make decisions, mis-representing, even distorting words and actions we receive. Loneliness makes us vurnerable and can cloud our minds when making crucial decisions. Love unfortunately does not come with a warranty or guarantee and if hasty decisions cause bad choices, pain and broken hearts are the result.
Bad decisions cause pain and heartache. They pile more baggage on an already too tall pile. These bad decisions create depression and a myriad of other emotions which pushes us farther from happiness. Guilt can set in, guilt from causing another person pain who might have found their rainbow had you not interfered with their life. Combined, these feelings can seem insurmountable and if not dealt with will result in misery and failure to ever find happiness with another.
How do we prepare for a successful search for love?
We have talked about the need for love; loneliness a motivator and an enemy; and decisions, how bad ones can hurt both yourself and your partner. Now we need to talk about preparing ourself to begin our search for love. We must be able to understand our feelings and to distinguish real feelings from self created ones. Before we can begin our search for love we must clean our minds of baggage. Baggage differs for every individual. For some it can be an unrealistic or fantasy view of love, expectations where all is perfect and ends happily ever after. For others love is a continuation of good portions of a marriage or relationship that has failed, where expectations of a new partner must fit exactly the mold of the failed relationship. Baggage comes in many faces but, more importantly, must be recognized by the searcher and dealt with before he/she can begin to look for new love.
To attempt to carry baggage into a new relationship usually ends in disaster. What chance can you have for a true relationship when you enter into it with pre-conceived notions of what it will be? Your baggage can be distrust, anger or a multitude of other emotions that can block or misinterpret signals from your/or your prospective partner. These misinterpretations will most often result in hurt and failure for a lasting relationship.
How do we clear our baggage?
Where is the golden answer? The answer is in each individuals heart and mind. For some it may be easy and as simple as signing papers, waving good bye and heading for the nearest singles club. For others it may be far more difficult. Depression, anger, anxiety, loneliness, distrust, and perhaps more emotions can cloud our reasoning. To clear this damaging baggage you must recognize you have the baggage. For instance, if your wife or partner cheated on you in your previous relationship, you have to understand and believe that not every person you attempt to have a relationship with will cheat on you. If you can't trust another to be faithful to you, you are not yet ready to attempt a new relationship and should wait until you can trust again before moving forward.
When you are ready!
Self analysis and honesty is the quickest way of countering loneliness, admit to yourself things that still bother you from your last relationship. Keep busy, find things that interest you, new or old hobbies, exercise, and meditation can keep your mind and body active and help ward off loneliness. Learn to appreciate yourself and your self-worth, if you like yourself you will be able to give of yourself to another. Don't allow loneliness to push you into seeking a new relationship until you are ready.